I Don't Need Saving (or do I?)

Just seen

Inspired by my friend Smutty Simmons latest, “Ghost”

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I’ve never been one who felt like I was difficult to refuse. I’ve always been one (in my opinion) who others, save for a few, was easily forgotten. Not because I’m forgettable, but more likely because I tend to feel like I’ve been the one “forgetting”. This is not as it may seem though. I don’t start out with the intention of forgetting about anyone I initially get close to. Maybe it’s something inside of me that is like a subconscious shield that I throw up in order to protect my heart.

I don’t know why. I’m not in fact psychologist. I can get along with everyone. My personality, genetically handed down from my late mother, lends itself to relationships. I’ve had plenty of friends in my life including a couple that at one time I called my best friends. For reasons mostly beyond my control, those “best” friends faded from my life. I know now, that with them, that them exiting my life was necessary for all parties.

I’ve also had plenty of friends in my life (or mostly, now, former friends). On the rare occasions when I see some of them now, we are still friendly with each other. However, my feeling is that they are out of my life largely because I’ve pushed them out by focusing on my own life, my own family, and yes, my drastic change in financial stability that has, in my mind, pushed them out of my life. No longer am I able to do with them all of the things I once did. So, the defense went up, and poof, they are gone (mostly) from my life, my day-to-day grind.

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2019 rolls around. It was both a difficult and transformational time in my life. July 18, my mom, arguably my life’s best friend, passed away after a couple of year battle with lung cancer, and the residual affects. Her last hours in the hospital were spent with family and life long friends. She passed away peacefully in the early morning hours. The memorial was held about a week later, and in the family receiving line afterwards, many promises were shared by many people who vowed to watch over me. Among those people in attendance were my bosses from a local preschool that I worked at.

I went back to work a few days after, and for the next three to four months, things at work and the entire environment seemed to shift for me. I started to feel like they still felt sorry for me. I was trying to start to move on with my life, and all that I felt there was that they were trying to “save” me. What I needed, however, was to be seen…to be allowed to move on with my life after the loss of my mom. I started the job with my current employer on November 18th of that year.

In other words, I didn’t need ongoing pity parties. I didn’t need “saving” from anything. I needed to be SEEN, to feel SEEN, not as Carol’s son, but Mark, the man who still had lots of life and love to give.

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As I said, I don’t need saving, I suppose only from myself at times. As for being seen, I feel that…with my employer and many of my co-workers and students in the building. Also, Substack has been a godsend for me, and I’ve made a few that I can call friends, people that I’ve allowed in to my life, who, I feel, “see” me.

Going back to what I mentioned about me subconsciously pushing people out of my life, well, I’m making conscious effort to NOT do that anymore.

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It’s nice to be seen…as Mark, the man who’s trying to do his very best to make a difference in the lives of the people I’m entrusted with. Seen…not needing saved.

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If you’d like to support my current and future work here, because I’m planning much more, feel free to do so here:

https://buymeacoffee.com/justmemark

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Blessings. Mark

My late mom, Carol